That is not me, it’s just your PTSD.

Loving you enough to stay

But not giving what you need

To feel heard, seen, and understood

And also safe, warm, better, and smooth

That is not me, my darling

That is not me.

Unfortunately for both of us

That's just your PTSD.

I don't know, I must admit

What triggered you so bad

To live so fast and run so far

And so hard to shut you down

Was it my touch, my blue, my words?

Or maybe my silence or mixed thoughts?

Whatever the thing was, my baby

That is not me.

It never was and never will be.

That's just your damn PTSD.

Coming back from time to time

To trouble your sleep at night

Just to make sure you'll stay mine

That is not me, my sweetheart.

How can it be?

I'd never play such painful games

I am not your ex, I am not your past

I am not your narcissistic mother

And not at all your alcoholic father

I'm not a player in matters of the heart.

Hey! Baby. Look! That is not me.

That's just your rough PTSD.

Inflicting pain in you over and over

Thru behaviors I'll never do to myself

To bring you down to my own level

Just because I woke up feeling

Too much, too new, too fast, too bad

Not controlling what this is

And neither you nor us

That is not me, my love

These are just shadows of your past

Trust when I say, my darling

That is not me

That's just your unforgiving PTSD.

Making love with you till dawn

Learning to be for you better

Summoning my heart to open more

Just to ghost you when vulnerable

That is not me, my sunshine

That is not me.

I never do such cruel things to people

And not even by mistake to someone so beautiful like you.

Breathe, I beg you. Breathe. And breathe again.

That is not me.

That's just your merciless PTSD.

I can't win over your doubts and fears

Over your ancestors' shadows and tears

Petrified on the cross of your heart

Over the legions who hurt you so bad

That kneeled you for ages

If not buried you for life

My love is not so strong, my dear

It is too green, too young, too out of control

And I ...I...I ...God, I’m so outrageously small.

It is not fair, I know, to be another one

Who couldn’t stop you from not feeling

Beyond the thrills of the beginning

Who couldn’t slow you down from talking

About how ugly and bad this world is

About how hurt you’ve been by Z and X

About how no one deserves your shitty nerves.

Another one who couldn’t stop you from running

From who you are and from whatever you feel

From your sex addiction to the god damn thrill.

I’m just an ordinary person, darling

With highs and lows like everybody

Don’t fool yourself, my excellence is temporary

It has anything and nothing to do with who I really am.

Fucking me once or twice won’t save you from yourself.

Tomorrow I can paralyze, burn out or fall into illness

Get older, smaller, darker, maybe also invisible

Unable to make you laugh or entertain your sickness

Bad days may come my darling, they never leave this world

And if it is not love the reason of our choices,

Who gets to keep on running and who gets to be left out in the cold?

I am not your people, darling, neither your exes, parents, and past

I am just another person lost in the wrong translation of the idea of paradise

I’ll make mistakes, I’ll fall, I’ll hurt you and I’ll make you cry

Sometimes because I don't know how not to or just because I don’t know why

Imperfect, unfair, and never good enough like everybody wants

It is one thing and one thing only I know for sure about myself

I’ll never stop from learning how to better love you, whoever you are

So, whatever fear rules your life and choices in this muddy sea

Trust me when I say, my dear, that is not me.

That is not me.

That’s just your fucking PTSD.

So, please stop from running, slow it down

Confront the god damn bastard

And ask what the hell it wants

No more like this one more time.

Sit with it, sit with the fear and pain

Listen to it, to its story and pray

It's here for a reason

And that reason is you.

Trust yourself darling

Just a drop will do

To start loving you

Enough to fear no more

To stop being so cold and ruthless

With those who cannot love you more.

#PTSD #love #fear #identity #silence